fake personal ads

Writing fake personal ads (on free services, natch) has been an occasional hobby of mine for a while now, ever since a friend of mine did it on a dare and got back some completely hilarious responses. I’ve gotten my fair share of gems, too, of course: “I’d love to sizzle in your love grease” as well as a long poem about “spunky ferret love juice.” When writing the latest one, I phrased it so any mildly clever 80 year old man named Morris would think I was looking for smutty stories in my mailbox. I’ve only gotten one so far – a rape fantasy, with lots and lots of exclamation points and loosely transcribed grunts. Completely horrible. So I replied, in a rather smutty style I might add, and offered to become his pen-pal sex slave if he’d only improve his writing. He hasn’t written back. I’m terribly hurt. *stifles a sob on a black lace handkerchief*

For those of you playing along at home: in my experience, the best way to get a really good crop of funny responses to your fake ad is to mention some specific object as a trigger. This works best if you do it in an unconventional setting – eg, “float away with me on a sea of used french fry grease” rather than “I like french fries.”

My thumb hurts. I’m probably going to get carpal tunnel and die. Good night.

Comments

  1. cole cunningham wrote:

    grrrrrrrrrrr… hey hot people. i dont care if you gay lesbo or if you chang sex!!!!! i think of it as ” i dont care what you are you can still take it in the ass!. im cole kiss me
    hotties

  2. Jane Nin wrote:

    “natch.”

    “natch”?!

    Are you stupid? People like you who proliferate this obnoxious and useless abbreviation are doing harm to the English language. Read some Orwell and see what the political and intellectual consequences of your perversion of the language are in the long term.

    Stop using “natch.” Now.

  3. Jay Jech wrote:

    I couldn’t understand what “natch” was so I just ignored it. Then I noticed Jane’s flame (see above.)

    Much to my horror, “natch” is actually an entry at dictionary.com. I think I may just go gouge my eyes out now with a rusty fork.

    …and third-world countries where people are working in sweatshops and dying of starvation think THEY have it bad. Geez.

  4. Sam Gritsavage wrote:

    hahah.. well, natch i’d say that this is the best thing i’ve ever heard. in fact im planning on making one of these of my own hahah, i just need some crazy ass ideas. you seem pret. natch talented at this. congrats.

    how is saying / typing natch doing harm to the english language. it a flipping word daawwwg. ya digg? new words are created every day, natch.

  5. Jesse wrote:

    You need to be fined or imprisoned for playing with people’s heads/emotions wasting people’s precious time!

  6. J wrote:

    You need to be fined or jailed for wasting other people’s precious time and energy.

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