No More Mr. Nipple

Only a very, very tiny squirt of journalistic integrity prevents me from changing the TMI headline. That, and the fact that it’s been too well referenced in the comments. But once a phrase like “no more Mr. Nipple” enters your head, you’ve just gotta use it, over and over. So I will now attempt to provide several plausible contexts, just to see what happens.

Context #1: Feminism

When considering my nipples as foreign bodies, I used to think of them as lonely outposts of masculinity on an otherwise soft and womanly chest. Maybe it was all that erectile tissue, or the fact that in theory they would emit a white fluid when sufficiently excited by hormones’n’suckling. Maybe it was the way in which breasts have been sexualized, commercialized and commodified in our culture, so that they exist (in a sociopolitical sense) only for the men who enjoy them. Whatever. But sometime during the long process of reclaiming my body from the grip of patriarchy, I came to see my nipples as proud representatives of female strength. No more Mr. Nipple.

Context #2: X-Treme Sports

Doug Flanagan, former mediumweight boxing champion of Little Rock, Arkansas, the man whose trademark double-bullseye costume has made him known in FOX’s Super Foam Battledome as “Mr. Nipple”, announced yesterday that he would be retiring from the world of X-Treme sports to pursue a quieter life in his father’s textile factory. “I’ve got a two year old daughter,” said Flanagan, “and I need to think about raising her right. It’s been good, and I’m real grateful to all my fans, but from now on it’s gonna be no more Mr. Nipple.”

Context #3: Sex Ed

You see, kids, communication is important in any relationship. I had a girlfriend once who was quite, ah, amused by certain… well… hey, stop tittering! This is serious! Let’s just say that after a good heart to heart, we decided that there would be no more “Mr. Nipple”, and our relationship was much stronger afterwards.

Hmm. I can’t think of any more without degenerating into the obvious – can you?

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