Product Review: Oral Cleansers
I’ve been hit on the head from every direction by products purporting to disinfect your mouth and promote healing. That’s actually a bit of an exaggeration, but you know how it goes. First you have oral surgery, then you find out how many of your mother’s friends used to be dental hygienists. I’ve been rinsing, swishing, swoshing and spitting these funny products with as much zeal as I can muster, because I desperately want to be allowed to eat popcorn again. Before the Vicodin puts me back to sleep, I’ll write up some of my more scintillating thoughts on the matter. Just in case you ever need to know.
I’ll show a little favoritism towards Amosan, as Oral-B has a factory about a mile away from my house; I thought briefly about working there for a summer, before realizing I’d rather chew off my own leg. But whatever Amosan gains for giving me a shitty job prospect, it loses again for its dull package design and stale scratch’n’sniff sticker taste. The product comes in little envelopes full of powder, which you have to empty into tepid tap water. It fizzles rather nastily.
You know this is a provocative, proactive dental hygiene product, because it’s got a bright blue triangle on the package. How bold! How decisive! The bold blue triangle outside finds its spiritual complement in the great tasting original flavor inside – the kind of great tasting original flavor that smooths and tightens the back of your throat and the lower reaches of your sinus cavity. It’s the kind of great tasting original flavor that makes you want to hawk up a loogie. It leaves the back of my mouth with a dry, tingling chemical afterburn.
You can’t go wrong with salt water. It doesn’t change the taste of your mouth (except to make it saltier) and it’s okay to swallow. You can make it be whatever temperature you want, and it contains supplemental iodine.
Oh, here comes the pain killer. One of the lovely things about blogging is being able to see where the enthusiasm runs out of each entry, and never feel compelled to fix it. I would like to say, though, that the amount of crud I can swish out from my mouth is amazing. Probably an order of magnitude less amazing than the amount of crud I can extract from my nose pores with one of those pore-crud-extracting strips, but still amazing to an almost obsessive-compulsive degree.