Shitfaced in Des Moines
It would seem that clever old Jesuit Jacques Marquette, as well as the people of Iowa, have been had: Des Moines is actually a Frenchification of a Miami-Illinois word meaning “The Shitfaces”, and not “A Great Place to Live and Do Business In, Really!” as we’ve been told all these years.
The Shitfaces, Iowa is not as appropriate as some other nasty city-names: Chicago means either “skunk” or “nasty-smelling wild leek” which is true in some sectors today and must have been especially true in the city’s slaughterhouse meatpacking heydey. Des Moines is a rotten place to be shitfaced in. The authorities are not tolerant of public urination, and the weather is usually much too crappy to lift your shirt and go “WHOOO!” while running down the street. Des Moines has many fewer strip clubs per capita than Portland, Oregon. Beer in Des Moines is more expensive than beer in Prague. And no matter how drunk you get, you’re still in the middle of Iowa, and if you’re me, you’re probably also at your aunt’s house.
Some jokes just aren’t funny.