How to Ward Off Rapists

Recently I was reminded of a bit of old lore about rapists: just as vampires cannot speak the name of Christ, rapists cannot speak the name of Andrea Dworkin. Which in turn reminded me of the sorry state of the common wisdom imparted to women as regards our personal safety: we are given nonsensical instructions about avoiding attractive clothing and seedy bars, but no one mentions the real-life practical tips that could save our maidenhoods from creepy crawly creatures of the night, vampires and rapists alike.

Below the fold: Three foolproof tricks for identifying rapists! And the things you should keep in your purse at all times – if you’re not a slut who’s asking for it.

Identifying Rapists in a Crowd

Villagers in Eastern Europe can reliably detect the presence of a vampire in the neighborhood by watching for the death of cows, sheep, dogs, or neighbors; this detection is confirmed by the exhumation of an insufficiently rotted corpse, displaying growth of hair and/or nails or a bloodstain on its mouth. Similarly, a young woman with her wits intact can detect the presence of a rapist at a college party by exhuming a couple of maxipads from the bathroom trash can. Unnaturally preserved clots, abnormally pale stains, and whimpers heard echoing from beneath the bathroom sink as you exhume the pads are all signs that a rapist is on the prowl.

Take care not to confuse these echoes with the rumblings of your own gastrointestinal tract. If you eat too much or not enough at the party, your detection measures will become unreliable. This author would never blame a woman who suffers something unfortunate at a party, but if you don’t take the sensible precaution of putting your ear to the catch-pipe when your stomach is quiet, what do you expect?


Unlike vampires, rapists can be seen in mirrors. As a matter of fact, they can be seen so readily in mirrors that they are often the only thing reflected! Experts disagree about the degree to which a rapist’s reflection precludes the presence of other people and objects in the scene, but they do agree on one thing: your reflection will never appear in the same mirror as that of a man who intends to rape you.

The application of this simple test may result in some Lucille Ball style antics. A true lady never powders her face in public, but the use of compact mirrors to jokingly signal distress to passing planes is permissible at most informal gatherings. Buying beer in shiny, reflective cans is also highly recommended.


The use of Christian iconography in vampire awareness programs has been widely criticized. However, the consensus view among experts is that such things as Bibles and crosses are most effective when wielded by believers; if they fail, it is because their bearers lack true faith in the power of God.

Women who wish to use feminist tests such as the name of Andrea Dworkin do not need to have faith in the power of feminism per se, but they must have faith in themselves. Many an otherwise cautious and sensible woman has been undermined by the sudden appearance of low self-esteem!

Just remember, good girls sometimes doubt themselves but those doubts can always be dispelled by a quick pep talk. If you have lingering misgivings about your own worth, there’s unfortunately no hope for you outside of a convent.

Finally, The Indispensable Defense Kit

Like your spare tampon, your cell phone, and your cosmetic touch-up kit, the following items should be permanent residents of your purse:

  1. A mirror – your compact will do.
  2. A pocket edition of Intercourse – as it is not currently available in poche you may need a large handbag. A slip of paper with the word “wymyn” on it will do in a pinch.
  3. A written affirmation of your own self-worth. Affirmation cards can be purchased at many gift shops, or you can make your own with messages like “I have a beautiful soul”, “I am not a whore” or “I always wear my skirts below the knee because I value my gorgeous womanly thighs”. For that special personal touch, try writing with a calligraphy pen and decorating the card with feminine flowers and pictures of your kitten!


  1. Cassandra wrote:

    That’s disgracful. I think it is an absoloute atrcoicty that you call girls a “whore” just because there skirts are shorter then their knees. What you wear should not be the determining fact in whether you are raped or not!! Why should you wear long skirts, dresses, pants etc, just so you wont get attacked by some sleazy moron with the ego the size of Russia?!?! I think that entire point is disgusting and you should really be ashamed for publishing something like that on the internet.
    “I’m not a whore”

  2. yami wrote:

    Jonathan Swift strikes again, isn’t it? Or are you meta-trolling me?

  3. harvestbird wrote:

    Maybe meta-trolling is the new punk’d?

  4. Sara wrote:

    Clearly a meta-troll; there is no shame on the internet.

  5. M. Deckers wrote:

    Like a hare in a snare – the enigma of the male
    Male people never cease to amaze me. Rapists are one of the more original characters of their cast. But the way you have just treated this problem, makes me question your ability to dig to the root of this problem.
    Rapists do not merely rape women out of sexual desire. This is a common misconception that reaches far into the realms of “public wisdom and knowledge” and sadly, even science (The tips for girls and women the authors of “A Natural History of Rape” mentioned are nothing short of unspeakable and, in my humble opinion dear gentlemen, a general setback in the field of science). Those of the male species that like to rape, long for power and love to degrade others by putting them through traumatizing experiences. Since women normally either accept or reject a mate, rape is possibly one of the most traumatizing “wrongs” a woman can be put through. Rapists are smart enough to exploit this weakness of women.
    Like any predator, rapists will more often than not choose an easy prey. Most rapists will leave an attractive young girl beaming with selfconfidence and arrogance alone. They will most likely grab an older pregnant woman or perhaps a drug addict, begging for food and shelter. Of course, there are rapists who indeed need a challenge or even long for their impure deed like any bloodthirsty beast licking its foul lips out of desire. Breaking into a lady’s house or sneaking into the bedroom of the student who opposed your views, are but two examples. Rape is a mean used to control women for ages, within relationships and society. It’s a mean of punishment and revenge and even used to punish and revenge other men through women. We rather need to think of how to stop this repulsive violence (what to think of the destruction of the woman’s soul and the robbery of our heritage), than to be bothered with the enigmas of the other sex.
    As for your mirror theory: I think superstition is the last thing women and girls need to protect themselves from rape. Rapists are crafty: they will wait for a chance to be alone with you. The best protection gear available is a mobile phone with a precoded alarm number and an automated message that includes your adress, work address and network provider. Within moments, the police can locate your exact position by contacting your provider.
    There are simply no defences that plead for rapists and the way you have just pictured women, reversely pleads for the raping male.
    Your reasoning:
    “Rapists will more likely rape a woman that is dressed sexy.”
    “A sexy-dressed woman is more prone to become a rape victim.”
    “In order to prevent rape, women should adapt themselves in their dressing style.”
    You fail were many a scientist has failed, so please don’t take it too hard.
    Many scientists, most of them of the male species, have tried to plead for rapists, but all of them failed miserably in my opinion. Sexual predators are nothing but a humbug that continues to cause tragedy and trauma in this world. Really, how can one small insignificant male person be a valuable individual to our world, when all this person will ever excell in, is driving fear an terror into the hearts of people? How efficient for our reproduction (point your ears, dear sirs) is such a deed I wonder, when it leaves a woman traumatized for life, amputating her sexual desires and possibly leaving her with a child she will hate or refuses to take care of? And really, does this world need a bunch of “rapist genes” (hypothetically speaking)? Does this world need more children who are rejected and loathed for being born? Oh, bother. Perhaps women should just accept rape altogether? After all, it used to serve a purpose. Too bad. Rape is bad for the women of today. Acceptance is not an option. And, unless society longs back to the times of Atilla the Hun, I should think we can safely say we can do without rape babies, males controled by beastly desires and staggering scientists puzzled by questions humanity long has found excellent answers to. We should now all bother about sollutions. Why, we wouldn’t be here today if we simply accepted we did not have any asnwers to some problems. So I beg of you, please don’t go ahead and rape science.
    Finally, not only women are victims of rape: most women and girls have many male relatives who (partially) depend on their physical and mental health. A rape not only wrecks a woman, but her social relationships. Hence rapists are not merely a threat to women and girls. Rapists are a threat to all of us.
    Driven by testesterone or not- if men are as rational as scientists assume they are, it was about time they could handle their primitive desires by their cognition. If men can not control themselves, sadly, women should find ways to control them. Some self awareness as wel as some self responsibility could do a few tricks, perhaps.
    It’s not a question if, rather a question when the women of this world will realize some men are not to be reasoned with and should be shown a slight bit of offensive. For ages men have brutually tried to enslave women and derived women from their will and every form of humane treatment. This makes men not just physical rapists. Their ongoing onslaught on women through politics and religion is a daily matter. The war (charmingly called “the battles of the sexes”) is started by the bloody hands of but one. Perhaps the dear exhaulted sirs should bow themselves over that one before making even more assumptions trying to plead the males of this species free of the rape of this world? It’s one of those things which makes men even more of an enigma to me. The way men struggle to get the rope of their necks is quite amusing, though it is not one of the best way to deal with failure: correcting your mistakes starts by acknowledging them. Women are born with a natural ability to recognize and accept failure in themselves, it seems. Perhaps, if you would care to lend me your superior masculine brain to do the math, you would come to the conclusion this is a more effective and constructive way to deal with problems. In other words: additional length and higher IQ scores are not going to better the wrongs by your hands, nor are they going to solve the one riddle none of you can determine by yourself.
    Which is why I highly doubt dressing in less-sexy clothes will do anything for us, my dear.
    Perhaps evolution will shine a light on the (biased) masculine soul once more. If not, I hope women will be the ones standing in the light. It is corruption and a lack of introspection which blocks the sun. Why hide in the shades when you are so much more than an uncouth beast driven by urges and blinded by selflove? You deserve the sun.

  6. yami wrote:

    You typed all that, and you didn’t address my maxipad exhumation theory? I’m hurt.

  7. Milton wrote:

    Rapists are psychopaths, and children of the devil. I truly believe they need to get a taste of their own medicine….like with a broom handle with glass shards stuck in it or something, and then fixed immediately… know….just like the dog you don’t want making puppies any more, except without any painkiller.

    They definitely mess up people’s marriages. Mine has been close to divorce on many occasions as a result of some of these weak minded perverts. I really think they suffer from SPS or SBS (Small Penis Syndrome or Small Ball Syndrome) and try to compensate by physically overpowering someone weaker than themselves.

    They’re nothing but cowards, losers, and wimps really.

    Read what the scripture (Holy Bible )says about them: Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)

    Be not deceived, God is not mocked; For whatsoever a man soweth that shall he also reap. (1 Cor 6:9)

    But Amnon forced Tamar and lay with her for she was a virgin before this. For after this Absalom hated Amnon because he had forced his sister Tamar. Now, after two full years Absalom had his brother Amnon slain because of the evil he had done to his sister Tamar. (2 Samuel 13:1-33)

    Rapists beware.

  8. veronica wrote:

    Is this about vampires or rapists?

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