The Minnesota Purity Test
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Were you able to watch "Fargo" without rewinding to catch bits of dialogue?
Did you think "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary?
Do you think a basketball team consists of twelve white boys?
Does your state pay a bounty for killing the state mascot?
Do you like to go out in the sun whenever the temperature goes above 72?
Have you ever refused to buy something because it's too "spendy"?
Have you ever heard an "Ole and Lena" joke?
Can you recite more than a dozen "Ole and Lena" jokes by memory?
Do you actually know people named Ole and Lena?
Do you like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics?
Do you consider snow banks to be "just another rough" on the golf course?
Have you ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time?
Do you know how to pronounce Shakopee?
Have you ever said "Uff da!"?
..."oh, for cute!"?
..."you know, a guy could..."?
..."you bet" instead of "thank you"?
Do you think that any of these are standard english phrases?
Do you routinely thank God for not making you an Iowan?
When you see moonlight on a lake, do you think of a dancing bear and sing "From the land of sky-blue waters... Hamm's, the beer refreshing, Hamm's, the beer refreshing?"
Have you ever apologized to a telemarketer?
Have you ever had a conversation with somebody who dialed the wrong number?
Do you beam with pride when some King or Hollywood super star comes to the Mayo Clinic to save their lives?
Do you instinctively walk like a penguin for three months of the year?
Do you know where the "iron range" is?
Were you delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday?
Did you get to use it right away, even though your birthday is in April?
Do your daily meals consist of breakfast, dinner, and supper?
When someone asks for spicy food, do you reach for the salt and pepper?
Have you ever heard of lutefisk?
Have you ever eaten lutefisk?
Do you laugh at people stupid enough to try eating lutefisk?
Have you ever eaten Jello with Miracle Whip?
... Jello salad?
... Jello filled with fruit, for breakfast?
Do you think of Spam as a quality, all-purpose meat product?
Did you grow up thinking rice was only for dessert?
When voting in gubernatorial elections, do you pick candidates based on their ability to beat the crap out of neighboring governors?
Do you believe that all REAL vehicles have skis in front, and a loud motor under your seat?
Have you ever gone up north for vacation?
Have you always believed that vacation means going up north?
Does your town have an equal number of bars and churches?
Does your bank have the name of your town included in its name?
Does your town have an annual festival honoring a fruit, vegetable, or ethnic food?
Are all your women strong?
Are all your men good looking?
Are all your kids above average?
Has Garrison Keillor ever written a sketch about your family?
The Minnesota Ring