Sometimes, after wasting too much time on Teh Olde IntarNette, I realize that if I go any further I will run into 2020. Not the 2020 of the Wayback Machine, but the 2020 of my innermost snorty giggle monster when I spent hours finding my dada fortune.

Only sleeping dogs know the right answer.

Just upgrading Movable Type. La la la.

I can remember pretty much all of the things that I did this weekend. That’s good. I can’t remember half the things I’ve done in the past four years that might look nice on a resume. That’s bad. Someone’s been sending messages again. That’s good.

Gerbils absorb moisture from the air

Only if they were dehydrated to begin with, though, yeah? And dehydrated gerbils are just no fun to play with.

for reseach

Oh. Dehydrated gerbil research. Oh.

I want to be a monkey pirate.

Arr, matey, don’t steal me dehydrated gerbil booty! I needs that.

That’s it. Finis with finals, forever. Done!

I feel like a sequel to Matilda - where Matilda suddenly realizes that it was fun being able to move things with her mind, and goes back to kindergarten.

10:14 pm Since this will (in theory) be my last scholastic all-nighter ever I thought I’d do it in style, with many different kinds of shiny energy drinks, and blogging whenever my paper hits a lumpy point. When I went through the checkout line, the clerk informed me that a beverage known as Monster was his energy drink of choice. Oddly enough, that was the only kind I didn’t buy.

Supermarket clerks have favorite energy drinks. What is the world coming to?

10:37 pm I’ve just finished the sugar-free Red Bull. The inside of my mouth feels like a warm sno cone. Blugh.

11:34 pm Hansen’s Energy Pro bears a most unfortunate resemblance to Surge. Remember Surge? They tried promotional giveaways of the stuff when I was in high school; even then, when I could swill Mountain Dew like a hemophiliac taking transfusions, I couldn’t handle Surge.
On the brighter side of things, my cerebellum has started to squirm. The excitement hasn’t gotten up to any of my higher-level thought processing yet, but it will eventually.

3:42 am Holy shit, I am not going to finish this paper on time. All the energy drinks taste the same to me now. I am one large, sessile energy drink filter feeder, and I am writing about how the evolution of plankton poo changed the oceanic ecosystem forever.

6:17 am God, KMX is disgusting. Six pages written, 10 required, and three more hours to write. Done with plankton poo, have moved on to viciously mocking geneticists and insisting that bizarre air-mattress looking trace fossils be considered as ancestral arthropods. For all I know they are actually superintelligent yeast colonies.

8:01 am Well, that was possibly the worst paper I’ve written since high school. But that’s okay - I can flunk paleontology and still graduate. I can’t flunk anthropology, but absurd essay exams on the three tenuous pieces of evidence in favor of Whorfianism are best done on no sleep and scary-sounding animal energy products, so that’s fine. Six and a half hours until my sleeping packing booze fest begins!

12:31 pm I just spilled the last of my energy drink all over my shirt. One question to go, plus an extra credit mini-essay if I’m still awake. I hate Benjamin Lee Whorf, but not as much as I hate the whole community of anthropologists who decided to take him halfway seriously. Except for de Groot. I can’t hate anyone named de Groot.

I smell like lemon-scented sugar cane pee.

This is my last finals week to-do list, ever. In a way I’m sad we only have one color of dry erase marker in the house; and in lots of other ways I don’t care. If I had more colors I might be tempted to add “find job” and “pack up shit” to the bottom. Or possibly “write insightful blog entry on graduation-related dubiousness, with reference to recent entry in the den.”

All my actual reflectiveness and insight is reserved for molluscs. Molluscs are cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

Facts:

1. Molluscs are invertebrates.
2. Molluscs fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the mollusc is to flip out and kill people.

Weapons and Gear:

Mollusc Radulae	Mollusc Tentacles
Mollusc Outfit

Testimonial:

Molluscs can kill anyone they want! Molluscs chew through shells ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this mollusc who was sitting in a tide pool. And when some dude stuck his tentacle in the mollusc caused the Late Ordovician extinctions. My friend Mark said that he saw a mollusc totally uppercut some whale just because the whale said proterostomes were dumb.

And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t believe that molluscs have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will chop your head off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you ask me.

Molluscs are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can’t believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that’s a fact. Molluscs are fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can’t wait to start biochemistry next year. I love molluscs with all of my body (including my pee pee).

Q and A:

Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about molluscs?
A: Molluscs are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand, they have a complete gut, but on the other hand they are squishy and slimy.

Q: I heard that molluscs are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other animals, molluscs can be mean OR totally awesome.

Q: What do molluscs do when they’re not cutting off heads or flipping out?
A: Most of their free time is spent crawling, but sometime they stab. (Ask Mark if you don’t believe me.)

This is a picture of my best friend Mark. He’s a lot older than me and writes papers on ammonites, which is bragable.

(with apologies to the official ninja webpage and the official electrical engineer homepage, and also my paleontology final)