Exploded Your Mom’s Cambrian Energy Drinks
10:14 pm Since this will (in theory) be my last scholastic all-nighter ever I thought I’d do it in style, with many different kinds of shiny energy drinks, and blogging whenever my paper hits a lumpy point. When I went through the checkout line, the clerk informed me that a beverage known as Monster was his energy drink of choice. Oddly enough, that was the only kind I didn’t buy.
Supermarket clerks have favorite energy drinks. What is the world coming to?
10:37 pm I’ve just finished the sugar-free Red Bull. The inside of my mouth feels like a warm sno cone. Blugh.
11:34 pm Hansen’s Energy Pro bears a most unfortunate resemblance to Surge. Remember Surge? They tried promotional giveaways of the stuff when I was in high school; even then, when I could swill Mountain Dew like a hemophiliac taking transfusions, I couldn’t handle Surge.
On the brighter side of things, my cerebellum has started to squirm. The excitement hasn’t gotten up to any of my higher-level thought processing yet, but it will eventually.
3:42 am Holy shit, I am not going to finish this paper on time. All the energy drinks taste the same to me now. I am one large, sessile energy drink filter feeder, and I am writing about how the evolution of plankton poo changed the oceanic ecosystem forever.
6:17 am God, KMX is disgusting. Six pages written, 10 required, and three more hours to write. Done with plankton poo, have moved on to viciously mocking geneticists and insisting that bizarre air-mattress looking trace fossils be considered as ancestral arthropods. For all I know they are actually superintelligent yeast colonies.
8:01 am Well, that was possibly the worst paper I’ve written since high school. But that’s okay – I can flunk paleontology and still graduate. I can’t flunk anthropology, but absurd essay exams on the three tenuous pieces of evidence in favor of Whorfianism are best done on no sleep and scary-sounding animal energy products, so that’s fine. Six and a half hours until my sleeping packing booze fest begins!
12:31 pm I just spilled the last of my energy drink all over my shirt. One question to go, plus an extra credit mini-essay if I’m still awake. I hate Benjamin Lee Whorf, but not as much as I hate the whole community of anthropologists who decided to take him halfway seriously. Except for de Groot. I can’t hate anyone named de Groot.
I smell like lemon-scented sugar cane pee.