How Gay Marriage Causes Earthquakes

This morning, the California Supreme Court will announce its decision on whether or not a slim 50% majority can amend the state constitution in order to specifically deny a previously-recognized constitutional right. It will also determine the fate of the 18,000 same-sex marriages performed last year, between the state Supreme Court’s decision that same-sex marriage was a constitutional right in California, and the passage of Proposition 8. The New York Times quotes one man whose marriage is currently in legal limbo:

“The 18,000 marriages will be evidence that California is not going to fall apart if gay people get married,” Mr. Lok said. “It’s not like there’s not going to be an earthquake.”

Oh ho ho, won’t Mr. Lok and his husband be chuckling at that one when San Francisco falls into the ocean! In fact, the potential link between same-sex marriage and earthquakes is one of the strongest arguments I’ve ever seen in favor of preserving the traditional-except-for-all-the-ways-we’ve-changed-it-in-the-past institution of opposite-sex-only marriage.

While the observation that same-sex marriage might be followed by earthquakes has been made before – notably by Israeli parliamentarian Shlomo Benizri and American preacher Pat Robertson – science has advanced beyond the simple “God does it” explanations most commonly proposed by nutcase conservative public figures. Below the fold, I will tell you how we actually think this process works.


The Castro district in San Francisco is constantly emitting small pulses of gay energy, called Love waves. These Love waves usually pass harmlessly through the crust, causing only occasional dirty thoughts in sensitive individuals.

Castro-love-waves.png

Each time that a committed same-sex couple’s family bond is recognized and supported by the government, another pulse of gay energy is emitted from the relevant bureau. If this recognition occurs in the form of marriage, the pulse is strengthened, by a factor of approximately 31, through a complicated resonance of the couple’s wedding rings with their official marriage license (the exact multiplier varies depending on the font chosen by each county registrar, but it’s usually Helvetica).

california-gay-marriage-earthquakes.png

Under normal conditions, these Love waves would also dissipate harmlessly in the crust. However, due to California’s unique geographic and geological conditions, the pulses emitted from state offices in Sacramento combine with the Love waves coming from the Castro in a phenomenon known as constructive interference. This interaction creates a pattern of standing Love waves in the soft sediments of the Sacramento-San Joaquin Delta:

gay-interference.png

At the constructively interfering nodes between San Francisco and Sacramento, gay energy is strong enough to penetrate the crust all the way to the seismogenic zone. The effects of this penetration on the seismogenic zone are governed by lubrication theory. Suffice it to say, when enough gay energy lubricates the underlying faults, California will be doomed – maybe not immediately after same-sex marriage is finally legalized for good, but definitely on or after April 15 the following year. Nothing emits pulses of pure gay energy more efficiently than a joint tax return.

(NB: Small numbers of same-sex marriages, typically involving a transgendered spouse whose legal gender is or was different from his/her preferred or identified gender, have been legally recognized even when same-sex marriage generally has not been. These marriages still cause Love waves to be emitted from Sacramento, but their effects have thus far been lost in the noise of ordinary tectonic and heterosexual seismicity. However, the effects of sub-seismogenic quantities of gay energy on the water in the delta – which is an important source of drinking water for Southern California – have not been studied.)

Comments

  1. Ketil Tveiten wrote:

    Hilarious!

  2. NJ wrote:

    Hmmmm….I guess this accounts for the Love and Ray-Lay waves then…

    (Yes, I DO know how to spell Rayleigh properly)

  3. Cherish wrote:

    While I admit that southern California may not emit gay energy at the same level as the Castro district, I would assume any constructive interference would happen near Parkfield. Does lack of gay marriage explain the delay in the expected seismicity there?

  4. The Science Pundit wrote:

    This explains so much. :-)

  5. Cannonball Jones wrote:

    Couldn’t we somehow weaponise this? For example by persuading countries surrounding our current target du jour to temporarily legalise gay marriage, thus causing untold chaos in the lands of our heathen enemies?

  6. Britomart wrote:

    So when is Boston going to get another earthquake?

    We actually did have one here in 1775.It wasn’t very big but one the same magnitude now would make a big mess as we are not building for it.

    ;-)

  7. Kim Hannula wrote:

    So, what would be the test of this model? Let’s see… in Vermont, the Champlain Thrust isn’t between Montpelier and Burlington, so maybe it wouldn’t be predicted to be reactivated. And in Maine, the Norumbega Fault is along the coast. Would destination weddings on Mount Desert Island make it slip?

    And I wonder what’s going to happen along my personal favorite New England boundary, the one between New Hampshire and Vermont, once the NH governor signs the marriage equality bill. Could get exciting.

    And does this mean Iowa’s going to fall into the ocean?

  8. Eric Lund wrote:

    And I wonder what’s going to happen along my personal favorite New England boundary, the one between New Hampshire and Vermont, once the NH governor signs the marriage equality bill. Could get exciting.

    I’d keep an eye on the boundary between the coastal plain and the Fitchburg pluton. Anybody living along a line running from Salem to Rochester, check that your earthquake insurance is up to date.

    And does this mean Iowa’s going to fall into the ocean?

    Negative. Nebraska and South Dakota suck just enough to ensure this doesn’t happen.

  9. BrianR wrote:

    The standing love waves in the delta are a phenomenon worthy of further study!

    Speaking of arguments against same-sex marriage, check out this one from a triple-divorced nutbar with an Oedipus complex … very convincing – http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/21490.html

  10. Kate Sherrod wrote:

    Oh, so *that’s* why my state keeps trying to float an amendment/legislative measure to ban gay marriage. All this time I thought it was just bigoted haters but really it’s to keep Yellowstone from blowing up!

  11. Maharet wrote:

    Oh, man. That makes so much *sense*. Thank you for clearing up this very serious issue.

    Nothing emits pulses of pure gay energy more efficiently than a joint tax return. Major win!

  12. Julian wrote:

    Ohmygoodness.
    You just made my morning. Brilliant!

  13. natural cynic wrote:

    This could be a boon to my parents, who live up a small hill in Fairfield. Soon their property will become more valuable since it will be so close to the waterfront after the subsidence of all the flat lands near the delta.

  14. AlexL wrote:

    This is the highlight of my day, thank you!

  15. PandyPaws wrote:

    Laughing through my anger.

  16. Joe Decker wrote:

    Funniest. EVAR.

  17. Sarah Laurenson wrote:

    Too, too funny. As one of the 18,000, my wife and I salute your fantastic sense of humor!

  18. Phyl wrote:

    And now — please — you *must* analyze the Canadian situation and tell us when we can expect to sink into the Arctic Ocean. We must be so close to the disaster by now, after several years of equal marriage all over the country!

    Is it the Canadian Shield that’s saving us so far? Has it now developed cracks that will make it shatter at any moment?

    Please help us discover how much time we’ve got left!!1!

  19. Duke & Banner wrote:

    That’s funny!

  20. old_guy wrote:

    The danger is far greater than that: Piss-off-the-homophobes waves travel faster and farther.

    They also pack more punch – compare the ratios of group to phase velocity.

  21. Susan wrote:

    LOVE it! That is some brilliant writing and logic! LOL

  22. Right Wing Extremist wrote:

    I think it’s not only gay “marriage” (sic) that going to cause California to fall into the ocean, but it’s long list of socialist actions. Right now there is little difference between Calirfornia and Cuba. California is under mountains of debt but only becuase of social welfare programs going out of control, but other massive spending such as making the state more “green”. I could take California’s budget and get it right in three months or less – cut all the environmental crap and all of the socialist crap and there will be money left to spend on important things.

    California is by far the most left wing state in the union and as long as it stays this way, it will not prosper.

    People are leaving that state to seek freedom from sky high taxes and unecessary spending sprees from the state. I don;t blame them. The deep south looks good about now. At least it’s still conservative and still gay marriage free. When California slides into the Pacific I will not be surpised at all.

    God may judge the whole country not just California if we continue on the path to destruction and sin as we are doing at such a massive scale now. He would be right to do so. We deserve it.

  23. Right Wing Extremist wrote:

    Nothing emits pulses of pure gay energy more efficiently than a joint tax return. Major win!”

    —————–

    At last the truth comes out. The whole gay unionism (it’s not really marriage unless it is ordained by God) is all about money eh?

    Major win.

  24. Hannah wrote:

    You used the phrase: “effects of this penetration on the seismogenic zone are governed by lubrication theory” in what was *supposed* to be a family-friendly science blog. We’re all going straight to Helvetica!

  25. jas wrote:

    wat crap

  26. andy@energywatcher wrote:

    Superbly written piece, really cheered me up on this rather dull day here in the UK!

  27. Anna wrote:

    wow. just wow. so awesome!!!

  28. fragileindustries wrote:

    Thanks, I’m sending this to all my friends in the Castro … and general Bay Area … and … uh … the world. We are everywhere! Global cataclysm here I come!

  29. ash wrote:

    Now I can feel the wave

  30. Katherine wrote:

    Love this! Thanks for the laughs.

  31. Veerle wrote:

    Haha, it’s really funny! And it sounds logical, too! Me and my brother used this article for a science project. We had to combine ‘sex’ and ‘earthquakes’ and then we found this. It’s wonderful!

    I’m glad Holland does not lie on soft seismic sediments. We will probably only have a flood. ^^

  32. Mike wrote:

    Haha ooh this person is such an asshole… But I have to admit, it was funny to read this even though it’s completely wrong and despite the fact that I want to find the person and bash their face in with a steel dildo, I’ll be fine. ;P

  33. Ren wrote:

    Nothin’ but a bunch a pure, unadulterated SUBDUCTION and THRUST if ya ask me!!! :)) Best model I ever saw. Thanks for enlightening us all. You made my day!! :))

  34. Ren wrote:

    And…. what about the harmonic tremors and standing waves building between Vancouver, B.C. and Seattle right now? I expect a 600-mile-long rupture along the full length of the Juan de FUUUUca plate any day now. Wasn’t that a 9.5 last time it happened 300 years ago? YEE HAW!! You should have seen that LOVE tsunami!! And where was gay marriage then???

  35. Brad wrote:

    I love it. Just as absurd as every other argument against gay marriage. It’s interesting how people often choose to live in places with historically “anti-human” geology.

  36. wangzhongliang wrote:

    very funny!

  37. Hoyle McCain wrote:

    The gay love waves only contribute to the seismic instability. The homophobe foot stomping when they hear about or actually SEE a same sex couple or a rainbow bumper sticker is what actually causes the tectonic slippage. I live in Memphis and we have to limit our homosexual relations due to our close proximity to the New Madrid Fault that has been known to cause the Mississippi River to run backwards for a whole day. The Corp of Engineers is working closely with the Memphis Gay Lesbian Associate to TIME SS marriages in batches large enough to cause the river to run backwards when needed to free grounded barges that tend to hang on the sandbars just north of Memphis. Of course the project is on hold, pending approval for Same Sex Marriages to become legal or at least a temporary waiver from the governor to conduct the experimental phases of this project.

  38. N/a wrote:

    Greatest thing i’ve ever heard. This has truly made my day, possibly week :p

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