Geological Predictions for 2009

Geotripper always comes up with the best memes [Oh, wait, looks like Brian at Clastic Detritus might have priority on this one – sorry Brian!] He’s made some psychic predictions for 2009. But I think his crystal ball must have some inclusions that are scattering away his mind-energy vibrational tones, because this is what I saw in the melted cheese on my pizza last night:

  • Episodic tremor and slip on the Cascadia subduction zone occurring early this spring will trigger the long-dreaded subduction zone megathrust event. The magnitude ~9 earthquake, and ensuing tsunami, devastate the coastal Pacific Northwest, including Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver. Also, the seiche in Lake Washington wipes out most of Microsoft; the Obama administration transitions the federal government to open-source software.

  • A few days after the earthquake, Mt. Jefferson erupts. The evacuation of Corvallis is panicky and disorganized, since equipment and supplies have all been diverted to the coast; fortunately, the pyroclastic flows are contained within the wilderness area.
  • Continued drilling into Hawaiian magma chambers results in mass psychosis; Pele is angry and has taken control of her people. A team of X-Files Torchwood former underwear models volcanologists solves the puzzle – but not their interpersonal problems! – against a backdrop of scantily clad surfers.
  • Geobiologists discover that tantalum mine tailings contain high concentrations of directed technobabble mutagens. An increase in illegal tantalum mining in the Congolese rainforest – brought about by the closure of the world’s largest tantalum mine in Australia – means that Central Africa is suddenly awash in mountain gorillas that can fly and shoot lasers from their eyes. Rebel forces employ the supergorillas in combat. The U.S. news media can’t help but snigger while writing headlines about “guerilla gorillas”, but quickly turn their attentions back to the ongoing Congressional investigations into whether or not the Obamas’ puppy pooped inappropriately on the White House lawn.
  • Due to flagging demand from a depressed global economy, and possibly some eeeeevil market manipulations on the part of shadowy supervillain Dr. Disad, oil prices will drop to less than $13/barrel (in 1996 dollars). The loss of the sole remaining prop to the Russian economy will immediately trigger a game of global thermonuclear war, as all those leftover Cold War missiles and warheads are auctioned off on the black market. Thousands of former high school debaters stand up and shout I told you so! (Anyone else remember running that one?)
  • At least three M5-6 earthquakes will strike California, resulting in minor property damage. At least one person will be slightly injured by a falling object.
  • A new mantle plume will begin to ascend underneath Antarctica. It will not be detected by human seismologists, but will be of significant concern to future cockroach geologists.

Happy New Year!

Comments

  1. John J. McKay wrote:

    Do you really expect us to believe that one about California?

  2. arvind wrote:

    Hilarious! You’d make “Lloyd Schumner Sr., Retired Machinist” proud. :-)

  3. Silver Fox wrote:

    What fun! Too bad about Microsoft. ;)

  4. Kim wrote:

    So it would be a failed prediction if the Cascadia Humongous One happens during the GSA meeting in Portland?

  5. Helena wrote:

    Oh, I’m so ready for this PNW earthquake/tsunami combo. I keep pontoons and a rebreather in my car.

  6. Lockwood wrote:

    Hey… um… did that pizza happen to give you a date and time? I’d like to arrange to be in an open field somewhere. As far as Jefferson goes, well, actually, that one I’d like to see. Greetings from Corvallis, for the time being.

  7. lab lemming wrote:

    Can we assume that all volcano-tectonic hazards outside of the USA will remain quiet this year?

  8. Maria wrote:

    Kim: Goodness no! In the event of an earthquake during GSA, I will find a clever loophole to show that my prediction was nevertheless correct.

    LL: My inner eye is affected by the fog of war; the supergorillas might or might not set something off in the East African Rift. But yeah, zero earthquakes anywhere else. Fantastic miracle of negotiation with the Mole People.

  9. tripencrypt wrote:

    You saw all that in your pizza? I must have the number of that pie’s maker. Maybe one from them will help me sort out a sound investment strategy for ’09.

  10. Maria wrote:

    I make my own pizza! And I take PayPal…

  11. Kiri wrote:

    Awww, you were a policy debater too? That disad (or the generic impact) is still out there (of course) — see e.g., post #3 here.

  12. Maria wrote:

    Hah! I know we kept track of how many times we had destroyed the world at the end of a debate round, but I think the record was only 6 or 7. They were always at least half ecological disasters, though, since the proposition was technically about renewable energy that year…

    Nice to see that high school kids still get giggles out of running hemp plans, too.

  13. christopher guerra wrote:

    open source = borg mind set! RUN RUN RUN SAVE THE CHILDREN ALL HAIL ROBOT AL BUNDY

    btw as a hobby rock hound i thought this was really funny. keep it up!

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