Geological Predictions for 2009
Geotripper always comes up with the best memes He’s made some psychic predictions for 2009. But I think his crystal ball must have some inclusions that are scattering away his mind-energy vibrational tones, because this is what I saw in the melted cheese on my pizza last night:
- Episodic tremor and slip on the Cascadia subduction zone occurring early this spring will trigger the long-dreaded subduction zone megathrust event. The magnitude ~9 earthquake, and ensuing tsunami, devastate the coastal Pacific Northwest, including Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver. Also, the seiche in Lake Washington wipes out most of Microsoft; the Obama administration transitions the federal government to open-source software.
- A few days after the earthquake, Mt. Jefferson erupts. The evacuation of Corvallis is panicky and disorganized, since equipment and supplies have all been diverted to the coast; fortunately, the pyroclastic flows are contained within the wilderness area.
- Continued drilling into Hawaiian magma chambers results in mass psychosis; Pele is angry and has taken control of her people. A team of
X-Files Torchwood former underwear modelsvolcanologists solves the puzzle – but not their interpersonal problems! – against a backdrop of scantily clad surfers.
- Geobiologists discover that tantalum mine tailings contain high concentrations of directed technobabble mutagens. An increase in illegal tantalum mining in the Congolese rainforest – brought about by the closure of the world’s largest tantalum mine in Australia – means that Central Africa is suddenly awash in mountain gorillas that can fly and shoot lasers from their eyes. Rebel forces employ the supergorillas in combat. The U.S. news media can’t help but snigger while writing headlines about “guerilla gorillas”, but quickly turn their attentions back to the ongoing Congressional investigations into whether or not the Obamas’ puppy pooped inappropriately on the White House lawn.
- Due to flagging demand from a depressed global economy, and possibly some eeeeevil market manipulations on the part of shadowy supervillain Dr. Disad, oil prices will drop to less than $13/barrel (in 1996 dollars). The loss of the sole remaining prop to the Russian economy will immediately trigger a game of global thermonuclear war, as all those leftover Cold War missiles and warheads are auctioned off on the black market. Thousands of former high school debaters stand up and shout I told you so! (Anyone else remember running that one?)
- At least three M5-6 earthquakes will strike California, resulting in minor property damage. At least one person will be slightly injured by a falling object.
- A new mantle plume will begin to ascend underneath Antarctica. It will not be detected by human seismologists, but will be of significant concern to future cockroach geologists.
Happy New Year!