Someone’s Been Shitting in My Toilet!

Several times over the past week I’ve come home to a toilet full of poo. Not really full of poo, I guess, just a little floater and some yellow, but still someone else’s poo in my toilet.

Having lived in the dorms with some truly disgusting people, I’m not overly grossed out by this. My current toilet at least has a lid to put down while I flush away the discovery, and somehow that makes everything seem so much more sanitary. It’s just a grody mystery – after all, I know my roommates, and they’re both hygenic people, much cleaner than I am in all respects. I have been feeling guilty lately, because my crumbs left on the kitchen counter and my boil-over burn marks left on the oven have entailed some sarcastic refrigerator notes. The crumbs I can understand, though I’m not overly fond of the sarcastic note as a means of adult problem-solving; we do have an ant problem. The oven I think is a bit much to be scrubbing every day, as ants don’t eat discoloration or flakes of charcoal, but I try not to be insubordinate once the apartment-majority has ruled. At any rate, it is well established that my roommates are much cleaner than I, and at first I wondered if one of them had indulged in an absurd fit of passive-aggressive pique. Uncharitable of me. Then I wondered if I had gone mad, or the toilet had broken. Not the case; I eat too much fiber and the toilet works just fine.

Tonight I realized that it must be one of my roommate’s stoner basketball friends. I almost never interact with these people; I think I’ve exchanged possibly three words with them on two separate occasions spread several weeks apart, one of which was tonight when I said “hello” and “hey”. They seem nice enough but one of them doesn’t flush.

The obvious choices are 1) offer up some bran muffins next time they come over and get the munchies or 2) move out, which I shall do this weekend.

UPDATE! Note to all you attempting to use this as some kind of frighteningly obscure shout-out/confessional booth: English, motherfuckers! Do you write it? While in theory we are in favor of using new and incoherent dialects here on th’ Internet, in practice this only applies to the ones we (or our demographic cohorts) invented ourselves.


  1. Nick wrote:

    Muffins with Kaopectate would be a better idea. Constipate the f*cker.

  2. ester wrote:

    that really is the grossest thing i’ve heard in a while. and sarcastic notes as communication? ugh. move out, asap.

  3. Heather wrote:

    Don’t your room mates have their own toliets to use? I like the idea from the other guy about the kaopectate muffins but here’s something, when all those stoner guys are over spread crazy glue all over the seat and see what happens. Yeah you’ll have to buy a new one but hey, that’ll teach them.

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