E-Mail Tips and Tricks

One of my .sig files is:

When you’re not looking at it, this signature says something else.

If you’re wondering how you too can acheive such fabulous effects, you’re not alone:

While not looking directly at it, I imaged your signature using several methods. A regular photograph of it showed the sig made derogatory remarks about my mother. A Kirlian photograph, however, revealed a purple outline of a leaf, including a part that had been erased two days ago. Interesting. Looking at a mirror, I noticed it said “Red Rum.” Running it through the Mac speech utility, it said in an eerie british-fembot voice that you are a natural social butterfly who is able to carry out interesting conversations due to your open-mindedness and your cautious nature toward others. Finally, while closing my eyes and asking the nazi archaeologist next door to read it to me, he screamed and his face fell

How do I get my sig to do these things?

The trick is to make sure your sig is small enough to be governed by quantum uncertainty, which means that when your email client appends it to your message, it should do so at most one letter at a time. One bit at a time gives even more random results, but they tend towards meaningless and non-funny onomatopoeia. I once had a system that turned all of my sigs into quotes from Pokemon sequels if they were read in Braille; after adding a second 8086 processor and increasing the swap partition my sigs containted references to Gravity’s Rainbow when smelled by an upside-down bloodhound, and spoke in tongues when poked with a pointy stick. Then I added more RAM, and the sigs just started to vanish when they weren’t being looked at. For reference, ITS seems to crunch about half a letter at once.

Many antiquated systems automatically handle files in the quantum domain; if you can’t downgrade your operating system, try removing most of the ram from your computer and/or generating high-resolution fractals in the background while you write your mail.

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