The Company sent me up to the mountains on Thursday, to learn how to properly classify and catalogue mud. I’ll be up there all next week, too, learning how to drill holes to China (or bedrock, whichever comes first); this weekend there will be a fabulous house guest to play with. So even less nonsense than usual for a while.

That said, let’s get on with the fan mail.

?

Yes, fan mail. You are my fan. Stop asking questions.

Your search box doesn’t work! Fix it!

Oh. Erm, try it now - the default template is still there, which is a bit embarrassing, but not quite as embarrassing as the interior of my car and house, which I should really get to cleaning. Anyway it seems to work again.

dear liza

Is there a hole in your bucket? Why not just buy a new one? If you’re really extravagant you could buy a bucket full of ice cream, and have the bucket when you’re done with the ice cream. Mm.

Monkeys can spot a raw deal when they see one.

Not if they’re pirate monkeys wearing an eye patch! (you need stereo vision to spot raw deals)

test

See? The monkey didn’t spot the raw deal. Instead, it is eating the raw banana.

Monkey over and out.

A momentous event, which I have negelectfully not recorded until now: my very first hate mail! Hoorah!

you and your blog both suck. I’m taking you out of my bookmarks and never, I swear to jeebus almighty, am going to visit this dreadfully boring blog again. good day to you sir.

Ah, and what a good day it is, to be recognized with hate mail! I do suspect its veracity, but it’s the thought that counts. And there’s also an insightful comment at the bottom of this entry. The rest of the chatter is more mundane:

i hate bugs

Even bugs with green eyes? I hate them too. Hideously fun-colored things.

A monkey is a fallen angel. A monkey is a fallen soldier. A monkey is a monkey pirate.

Monkey pirates! Walk the plank, arr!

jimmy, do you want to explode now?

Well, not really. Do I have to?

fly fly fly

Apparently so. Ouch. I don’t like flying.

whatever you do, remember to drink your water. for the love of god, DRINK YOUR WATER!!

Look, I know an explosion can be very dehydrating, but this is just silly. Shouldn’t I be worrying about more important things? Like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? Or that bit about me exploding?

Don’t hit me with that board like I was some kind of dolphin. Thanks.

That wasn’t me. That was the Israeli Army. And also a tuna fisherman.

my magic 8 ball says you smell like poo!

Dude. Your magic 8 ball doesn’t even have a nose. Have you ever considered a Ouija board instead?

princess

See? Princesses don’t smell like poo, so there.

I still want to be a monkey pirate.

Yeah, me too. But I’m not really qualified - you need at least three years experience in the pirate or monkey industries before you’ll even be considered for a monkey pirate gig. Damned job market.

I can remember pretty much all of the things that I did this weekend. That’s good. I can’t remember half the things I’ve done in the past four years that might look nice on a resume. That’s bad. Someone’s been sending messages again. That’s good.

Gerbils absorb moisture from the air

Only if they were dehydrated to begin with, though, yeah? And dehydrated gerbils are just no fun to play with.

for reseach

Oh. Dehydrated gerbil research. Oh.

I want to be a monkey pirate.

Arr, matey, don’t steal me dehydrated gerbil booty! I needs that.

There’s got to be deep meaning in the fact that “trickle” and “tickle” are nearly the same word. And I’ve got a couple weeks of stale comments here.

A message from some monkeys: http://www.engrish.com/recent/source/monkey-sign1.html

We do not hope to be suh a monkey. http://www.engrish.com/recent/source/monkey-sign2.html

Tee hee. Silly Japanese monkeys! And I suppose I’d be remiss in my duties if I didn’t comment on the latest monkey link fad - you know, the typing monkeys experiment. You can find the monkeys’ finished novel (mostly the letter S) here, along with pictures and some artsy-fartsy mumbo-jumbo justifying the £2020 project. More public money should go towards art with monkeys.

But on a more serious note:

what is the difference between dynamic and static content

Er, actually those are arbitrary pigeonholes. I just needed a category for all the stuff that doesn’t belong to the blog proper. Next question?

I LIKE BIG HAPPY ROCKS

Me too! I also like little happy rocks. Do you like little happy rocks too?

what is it used for

Happy rocks are special rocks to share with a friend or someone special, apparently, though I’m not sure that qualifies as a proper use.

i love pigs

But pigs don’t love you; they’re mean-tempered animals. It’s a good thing they’re tasty.

i adore monkeys

Yes, but can you do a monkey dance? That’s what I want to know.

*monkey dances out*

So they give us money to throw student-faculty mixers. And we spend this money on wine and cheese for all. So I’ve had just enough alcohol to answer the random someones. Also, there was a spam in my mailbox from the world’s largest exporter of green mung beans from China, whose name was Nanjing Mega-Profit Trading Co.

Yay, communism!

http://www.cnn.com/2020/US/South/03/12/monkey.escape.ap/index.html

It was not clear how the monkeys escaped from a fenced area outside the research facility Tuesday, said James Hartman, a spokesman for the St. Tammany Parish sheriff.

Go monkeys!

i like penises

Of course you do, attbi.com! Just look at your IP address!

i LOVE hobbits

i like hobbits

We know what you really meant. Get back to the forest with the monkeys, where you belong.

i need aliens

amantadin

where can you find it

Over there. Geez. There’s nothing clever to say.

I admit this is a cheap device for when I don’t have anything to say. But since when has this blog been anything but cheap?

when two lesbians are going out and they say ladies first,.. who goes first?

When one woman, lesbian or not, says “ladies first” to another, it’s an invitation to a slut contest. The women involved must quibble at length over who is the least ladylike, making crude noises and bringing up unwholesome details of their own sex lives. The discussion may even devolve into a penis size fight, though the penises referred to are usually tucked safely away in a bedside table.

what is a google?

“It’s what you do when you see a booble,” says the resident expert over my shoulder.

i luv dolphins

And you’re not alone.

so…how was your valentine’s day? get any tasty chocolate? *wink*

Well, yeah, I did, actually. Why are you winking at me like that?

i hate stray cat

I hate you too, you heartless squirming melted strawberry nougat shell of a human being.

what is ceiling wax, anyway?

It’s the opposite of floor wax. Duh!

http://www.jwz.org/gruntle/freedom.html

Ah, the failings of Western Zen. How delicate! How blissful!

where is yami? Yami is not writing! Yami has disappeared!!!

PEEK-A-BOO! I had something brilliantly clever to say over the weekend, I swear, but the weekend gnomes came and took it. Meh.

pics

No, no, that’s PEEK-a-boo, not PICS-a-boo. Try again.

eearth science: gabbro rock

One more try.

The best thing about Spiderman was how Kirsten Dunst’s nipples stood up every time her character was put into ‘danger’.

That’s better.

you say you write about your breakfast…but you never do!!! isn’t that false advertising?!?

I had pancakes for breakfast, with chocolate chips…and you?

Uh, right now I’m eating from a bag of raw elbow macaroni, and drinking a glass of water. Boy, is my life pathetic.

I want pancakes!

You just had pancakes. You don’t even know what it’s like to really want pancakes, like we wanted pancakes during the Depression. I want pancakes.

I feel random today. My socks are wet.

So dry them dear Liza, dear Liza, dear Liza, so dry them dear Liza, dear Liza, dry them!

Although I have a large amount of cryptic fan mail to catch up on (and when I say large, I am telling a gentle underwhelmement, as the spout box was held hostage a while back by a Flabbergastingly Bored Someone) it’s all hiding in a file on my computer at home. So I’ll pick up just where Someone was beginning to lose his or her tenuous grip on reality:

asdasda

I WANT TO KNOW

I DONY KNO

Indeed. Ask your Mother when she gets home. We’ve always thought your mom was a spy. And a big slut. She had shifty bedroom eyes. Just look at this:

i like flowera

i like hobbits

See? Disgusting. Communist. A danger to the nation’s youth.

I am a hobit fancier >=D what are you?

Me, I’m into elves (as any democratic socialist of moral fiber would be) - though I still haven’t seen the movie; no point in it since I’d only fall asleep half way through. Hopefully I’ll get ’round to it after Santa’s Birthday (it’s now been three hours without Vicodin, and I only hurt as badly as menstrual cramps, hooray!).

Also in the news chez gabbro, I euthanised an old pair of jeans today. It’s sad, giving up on something you’ve already patched past death - like losing a beloved pet that also helped you not have to do laundry so often. However, their memory will live on, as I used bits off their legs to fix another, more beloved pair, which I am bound and determined to transform into zombie-pants made of nothing but patches. Rest in peace in my grandmother’s quilting stash, pants.

Just as I am about to hit a bout of self-pity (conveniently overwhelming my physics set) someone comes along to remind me of the good things in life:

kumquats and rutabagas

Mmm, kumquats. Life is better with funny-named foods.

indeed

Indeed, indeed. Indeed.

??

Indeed, indeed. Indeed.

Jeg dr�mte stjerneklart om vinden …

Virkelig? Så behøver du en rejse, eller måske du har nogen bitterhed til din job. Fortælle mig om din mor.

Parseval’s realtion

Parseval’s relation

Ah, I see. We’ll switch to English, then; after all, I cannot practice psychoanalysis in a language I do not speak. Have you ever felt intimidated by the mathematical accomplishments of your mother’s relative? What relation is Parseval to your mother, anyway, and has he ever made fun of you for stuttering?

ATOMS

That’s hardly a sensible relation. You’re clearly not taking this therapy seriously. I give up.

I need the info so I dont fail science.

No no: if I give you the info, you’ll never construct it for yourself and it will remain forever meaningless. You should find yourself three test tubes, scissors, some cardboard, a goldfish and a ruler, and go from there.

do you want the beef or the fish?

The fish.