TMI —
My uterus woke me up at 4:30 this morning to talk about how excited it was to be expelling its old lining. It’s a new start! it said, I’ll feel fresh and sparkly - like all this cleaning you’ve been doing!
It’s really unfortunate that my uterus only speaks to me in Painful Crampish. I’m quite […]
Because it is Tuesday. I’m on quite the weekday kick, maybe I should buy some cutesy underwear.
Kittens!
Here’s a conversation I’ve had with basically all my male friends with whom it is reasonable to have such a conversation:
Me: Hey, don’t guys ever bond about their testicles or whatever?
Him: Not really.
Me: Why not?
Him: Dunno.
Me: ‘Cause it seems […]
Part N of an infinite series.
So you know how it is: you go to the bathroom, and you’re about to stand up when you notice the thick strand of goo that connects your vagina to the toilet water. If you get up with it just hanging there like that, what are the chances of smearing […]
It’s astoundingly simple to convince oneself that one’s bodily crevices are merely homes for filth and decay, that one’s blood is laced with poison or one’s sweat is made of weakness. This is a cross-cultural habit; last night I postulated that body-hate is in fact a basic human instinct, and then I turned that instinct […]
I’ve been hit on the head from every direction by products purporting to disinfect your mouth and promote healing. That’s actually a bit of an exaggeration, but you know how it goes. First you have oral surgery, then you find out how many of your mother’s friends used to be dental hygienists. I’ve been […]
It is quite clear that what I need is not more gory photographs of lung cancer, drunk driving accidents, or STDs - I need slide after slide of horrible, pus-ridden gums with bits of popcorn stuck inside them. Popcorn will be my downfall.
I failed to mention, in and among all the jaw-busting tooth-extraction, that when I checked my suitcase onto the airplane, the check-in lady forgot to ask me if I had any exploding things inside. It was one of the most baffling things that has ever happened to me in an airport. Anyone could have handled […]
I am completely out of clean underwear. This leaves me with two choices:
Go commando on the airplane.
Do laundry.
Hmm.
It’s like my lips are shedding, dropping flakes of skin to my absent-minded chewing - except the absent-minded chewing is entirely motivated by the fact that my lips feel like they’re shedding stuff. It has been highly annoying. Worse, I don’t think the effect is visible (apart from a sore at the corner of my […]
I have an ear infection. I haven’t had an ear infection since I was something like 8 years old. It’s absolutely undignified, to walk around pointing the opposite side of my head at people while I explain I’m half-deaf due to grody pink lumps. I only assume they’re grody pink lumps, really - the people […]